Compliance From Kids? It's All in How You Phrase It

When I put the words children and compliance in the same sentence, I get images of the Von Trapp children in "The Sound of Music" before Julie Andrews, aka Maria, came to their rescue – obedient, uninventive and robotic. However, there are plenty of parents who dream of getting their children to do the simplest tasks like brushing teeth, which can be a nightly frustration.

 According to Yale Parenting Center experts, Tracie Bush and Erin Carrubba, who are providing Parenting Workshops at , achieving compliance in children is not as complicated as a lot of books say. With research highlighting parenting tactics for ten years, these experts offered some simple suggestions.

 First, the way you ask a child to do something will determine whether or not you can get them to comply. In other words, you must prompt them in a specific way.

 Rule #1 – Ask once. If you’re asking fifty-five times, you’ll make it less likely to happen. Picture this. “Hang up your coat. Hang up your coat. Hang up your coat.”  The more you say it, the less compliant your child will be because you are reinforcing her behavior of not doing it.

 If they don’t listen the first time, you walk away. This is, they say, the hardest thing to do, but nagging, threats and punishments are not the solution. For non-compliant behavior, a reward system, with charts and goals, must be established. The goal is to reward compliance, not punish disobedience.

 For non-compliance, first establish ground rules with your children. Let them know that the chart is there to reward them for listening after you ask only once. Draw some fun pictures with bubbles to fill in on the chart, a certain number of which will draw a reward. This procedure gives a positive association for doing something after being asked once. It might take some time, but, eventually, it works.

 Rule #2 — Be very specific. Tell your child exactly what it is you’d like him to do. The clearer and more specific the prompt, the more likely he’ll do it. “Clean up your room,” is less likely to get a response than “Please pick up the dirty laundry and put it in the hamper.” Give only one prompt at a time.

 “How many times to I have to tell you?”  is not a clear prompt.

Rule #3 – Give the prompt in the form of a statement, not a question. “Johnny, please hang up your coat” instead of “Johnny, can you please hang up your coat?” A statement is more direct. Asking your child to do something puts an option into their minds where they can consider it a yes/no question. A statement is firm.

 Stay kind and calm. Start your prompt with “please,” which indicates kindness, and remain calm because your child is less likely to follow through if prompted with anger.

 Rule #4 – Remember that praise changes behavior. “Good job” isn’t going to do it. Components of effective praise include touching the person, sounding enthusiastic while reinforcing compliance and giving the praise immediately. “Great job, you hung your coat on the rack!” If you sound repetitive and overly enthusiastic, you’re doing it correctly.

 So I went home after the meeting and thought I’d give it a shot. “Josie, please hang up the towel you dropped on the floor,” I said with a calm voice.

 “Sure, Mom.”

 I’ll be returning to their next workshop on Monday, Feb. 28, from 6:30 to 8:30 p.m.: "How to Make Homework and Other Tasks Easier and Less of a Battle." I’ll see how that works!